They Say That “God Is In Control”

Disappointment is knocking at my door again this morning. Along with it are grief, a silence that I'm tired of hearing, loneliness, and bitterness over all that’s been stolen.

I keep my door shut and don’t move or say a word for a long time. I don’t have the energy anymore. I want to follow through with so many more responsibilities. I want to be the outgoing person I once was. I miss my friends and wish there wasn't judgment surrounding my illness. If you have Lyme disease, I could guess you have probably felt all of these things over a thousand times.

They say to me again, “God is in control.” Do you ever get tired of hearing this line? It's like a little band-aid over a massive wound that covers your whole body. And yet, this saying is the exact truth that releases us to rest in God's plan for our lives and not play God in our own story.

How do we avoid becoming hopeless and bitter? How do we rest in God’s sovereignty?

Some people are sick their whole lives, and that's that. They don't see their miracle in the way they expected on this side of eternity. This is a hard truth to grapple with and obviously not the most encouraging news. But then, there are miraculous wonders that happen every single day. Couples who struggled with infertility for years and years finally have their miracle baby. Cancer gone for good. Relationships mended. Financial breakthrough. The widow finds love again. Life is funny in how it unfolds; in ways you least expected it. 

So, again, we can't control many outcomes, like if our doctors will know how to properly treat this disease, how the people around us will respond to our suffering, or how we feel when we wake up every day. God is ultimately the one who is in control. We can fight this truth, despise this truth, or accept this truth. And by His grace, we can slowly come back to life.

A lot of healing for me has been learning to allow myself to be loved. Growing up with an alcoholic, abusive father taught my limbic and nervous systems that I was not safe and that I had to protect myself at all times. That kind of damage takes a lot of time to heal. Also not getting treated for this disease takes a lot more time to heal than had it been dealt with properly on the front end. Twenty years later, I'm still healing from Lyme, co-infections, and mold. Still battling chronic pain. Still dealing with insomnia from the pain.

Questions inevitably arise. When will we be able to have kids? When will I be able to do more? But with each morning are new mercies, new breaths, and new lenses to look through where different perspectives are gained. And as I look back, I can see the progress. I'm not the same broken girl as before. There's so much more wholeness in my life that is not dependent on whether or not people understand or whether or not I see complete healing. And I find that the more I settle into new levels of acceptance and grace, the more I heal. This is a healing of the heart, body, mind, spirit, and soul.

Do not lose heart, my friend. Though the healing may not be immediate, and you may not see the love of God beaming on you but rather an unloving God who has allowed the tragedies in your life… I believe one day, you'll look back and be able to see the healing that was taking place all along.

I'm grateful for the healing. I'm grateful for community. Lyme certainty robs you of that, but I'm thankful for the little things like my sister calling and checking in on me, a friend showing appreciation for my existence, or my husband sitting by me in bed and praying over me for the millionth time. Entering into friend’s suffering while also allowing others into mine has been one of the most significant things that help me get through times like these.

I'm so grateful to have a husband who supports me even though he himself has had his fair share of struggles. I am so grateful for the people in my life who motivate me to keep going. I'm so grateful that everything is not dependent on me but, rather, on God. I'm so grateful that He is in control (some days, I wouldn't say I'm necessarily grateful for this because I want life to look the way I want it to, and I want to no longer hurt). I'm grateful He has a plan… a plan that will look much better than you and I can imagine. That's what I'm believing this year.

Here's to healing out loud and healing together,

Lauren